we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
organizing the empties. That sober.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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