Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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