i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
