my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
