I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
