matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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