smell my finger.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
