uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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