I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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