I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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