I wish I could teleport
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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