We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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