I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
