Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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