Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
