Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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