get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize