you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So much rum. So many feels.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
