i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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