I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
