I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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