She is in my trunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
