It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
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I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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