Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
