ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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