If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I wear drunk well.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
