Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.