it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
