A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
