Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
