when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
this boner is exhausting
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
