i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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