Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
