I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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