Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
