I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
