My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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