Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
