I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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