When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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