She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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