She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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