I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
