i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
sarcasm needs its own font
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
