How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
