I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
