i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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