somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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