I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
