The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
