She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
