You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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