when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.