How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.