Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?