Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
home. puking in laundry basket.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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