Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants