You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
