I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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