it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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