They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
